My web diary. . .

page status: formatting is a work in progress. . .

Saturday, November 9th, 2019 / 12:15 am

Dear Diary,
	    Hello, long time no write, again..
	    im so messed up right now. my feelings are conflicted on just about everything, 
	i can hardly pull myself together and god im just tired. my mental health is horrible. i went to
	see my family doctor for a reference and i still havent gotten one. i need some blood tests done
	but i cant go alone because of a past experience that has like traumatized me lol (doctor adjusted
	the needle while still in my arm which really hurt, and blood shot out of my arm kjfkfdhg it was
	horrible and they freak me out now..) idk basically i need to do things for my health and theyre
	not getting done.
	    sidenote i just heard my mom say "hey, clover!" (but.. my real name lol) and i went to check
	with her and she was confused, apparently didnt call my name, and now im creeped out! thats how ghost
	stories start!!!
	    tomorrow im going out with my boyfriend to get art supplies for my bjds. my dolls have been
	a good distraction for me, i really love them so much. i just recently bought a luts bliss head and
	just waiting for the seller to ship it! its one of my dream dolls, im so so excited for it! im going to 
	give him a faceup and make a wig right away! the other week my dim benetia head came in and shes so cute.
	today i recieved an antique salesman sample chair for them. its essentially a reasonably sized mini chair
	made with the same methods and attention a full sized chair would have! its so cute with carved wood
	and the upholstering fabric is nice. its a little big but in a cute way! huh. i have it on the floor
	behind me.. maybe it called my name......... just kidding im scaring myself!!!
	    .....i hope its really not haunted though...
 Yours truly, clover

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2019 / 8:24 pm

Dear Diary,
	    I might get some mental health help again soon. I havent seen a doctor since I was 18, so im
	a little nervous.. this is good though. things have been getting progressively worse in weird ways.
	    I'm still working as a gardener, i really enjoy it. although we had really hot weather as
	of late and holy do i look forward to cooler months. i cant remember the last time i sweat so much!!
	my stupid hair makes it ten times worse too, geez... come on fall..! this weekend im going to a larp
	for the first time (dont judge me, okay?) ive been sewing for my outfit. however... the weather is 
	threatening to be hot again, so man... i dunno. i may die. The weekend after that im going to newfoundland
	with my boyfriend and his family. i love it there and im so excited, and the weather is going to be
	nice and cool!
	    Oh, i have a doll body coming in the mail! a 70cm boy body for my peakswoods head i won in a raffle
	 in may. His name is ambrose, and im so so excited to sew for him. I want to make a page on here dedicated
	 to my dolls i think! ill have to refresh my memory on html i guess, and i want to learn more. (like how
	 to make boxes and stuff, i want my site to look..... better)
	    Tomorrow im seeing and old friend, so thats exciting. its been a really long time since we've talked
	 so honestly im not sure what hes like anymore! people are different than they are online, and thats how we've
	 been "keeping up".. im looking forward to it. i need to see my friends more. speaking of lately... ive felt 
	 like, i wish holding hands with your friends and stuff like that was normal here. i dont think i know anyone
	 who really connects physically platonically, and i wish that would change!!
	    Things are rough, but good. i have so much going on right now that is supposed to be good, but my mental
	 health is just really dragging me through the mud. i want to cancel all of my plans all of the time, and as
	 much as i want to see people and spend time with them part of me wants to be my myself. i know its because
	 im ill but geez man... its conflicting, tiring, and just plain annoying.
	    lastly, im still behind on projects and commissions, but im nearly done one and im really proud of myself.
	 i think the commissioner is a little annoyed but i understand that. theyve been really kind to me though and im
	 incredibly grateful for that.
 Yours truly, clover

Thursday, June 20th, 2019 / 2:43 pm

Dear Diary,
	    I went from not updating for two months, to updating two days in a row... nice.
	    I think i want to re-make my website. like re-write all of the code, and just change the look of it.
	I have a better idea of what i want it to look like, but im still not great at writing code and i dont
	understand how to do a lot of things, but i want it to look different. Thats a pretty big task but,
	i think it only took me a few days to make this one so, hm! ill see. i have so much more important things
	im supposed to be doing but i dont have the mental energy for them. 
	    I think today im going to start on that, play some fatal frame, aybe try a rice pudding recipe
	i found... ive never had rice pudding before but it looks realy yummy! ill report back on how it turns out!
	oh, maybe ill start making another sewing pattern for one of my dolls. she deserves a new outfit i think.
 Yours truly, clover

Wednesday, June 19th, 2019 / 8:28 pm

Dear Diary,
	    It has been a very long time. I never meant to neglect my little site for so long,
	 but life got really hectic for a while there. I haven't touched my computer in so long im fumbling with
	 the keyboard and theres a thin layer of dust on it, too...
	    I had to drop out of school, but i'll return in the fall. my mental health really plummeted but i 
	 realized i need to build some life skills before continuing with my program. Past trauma left me unable to
	 function and i never got the chance to experience "real life" stuff like working a job, and for the past
	 two years i was home taking care of my sibling, lterally only getting the chance to go out maybe once every 
	 one and a half weeks if i was lucky. i dont regret it and i would do anything for them, but it really, really
	 messed me up even more. so since i had lost the already poor social skills i had, i really struggled with
	 school, so now im taking a break and working trying to slowly build those skills back up.
	   I work as a gardener actually, and i really enjoy it. i get to see one of my best friends every day which
	 is pretty special. the hours are terrible (like less than 10 a week...) so ive appied to a few other places
	 but i dont think ill hear back. maybe if im lucky my boyfriend can get me an in at where he works. knock
	 on wood!
	   Ah, I havent lost any weight either. I dont get it, but i seen a new doctor and she has some theories so,
	ill see how that goes. in the meantime im still trying my best to at least not gain any ^^; ive been sick for
	the past three days too so that sucks!!!
	   Hm, there isnt much else honestly. well. there is a lot but i dont want to write any more today. im tired.
	I will end positively, i started sewing again after dropping out so thats nice. sewing for my dolls as usual.
	I love my dolls a lot, lately ive been really enjoying dolls!! ball jointed especially, but ive been trying to 
	find stories/manga/etc about them! esp manga with that late 90s, early 2000s gothic lolita aesthetic, if you 
	know what i mean. Gothic shoujo might be more like it? but yeah!
	  Okay, enough for now. I hope to update you again soon and to put more work into my little site. 
 Yours truly, clover

Sunday, April 21st, 2019 / 8:38 pm

Dear Diary,
	    today tastes bitter.
	 im in such a bad mood. i know why, but theres nothing i can do to change it, which is only making it worse.
	 today was especially bad regarding my weight. i weigh less than the last time i checked (not like a real amount
	 just natural fluctuation) but god.. im eating less and i had been more active than i have in 2 years (i gained so
	 much because i had to be at home for 2 years and being stuck inside made me too depressed, so i never worked out
	 and i only got to go out like once every two weeks. it was really bad and i gained over 30 pounds...)
	 but back to my original point, i looked it up because technically i should be losing weight, but since i go long
	 periods without eating apparently that makes you gain weight? even though its less calories? so now im trying to
	 eat during the day but... food makes me so anxious now.tomorrow i am going to dance for a bit for exorcise, 
	 and im going to make sure to eat something. even if its just a little bit! ive been chubby my whole life but holy shit, 
	 this is just rediculous. i want to cry.
	    i've spent my whole day looking at lolita stuff to buy. i want to buy things big enough to fit me, so that i can
	 feel cute even though im this huge ^^; i miss lolita so much. but why is it when im looking to seriously buy i cant
	 find anything!!! two weeks ago i checked y!auctions just to browse and there were so many cheap adorable items.
	 today there is absolutely nothing! all expensive and not what i want at all. not even closetchild has anything
	 work making an order for... i hope they update soon. i think they did yesterday but its all pinkhouse stuff...
	    ugh! all i want to do is complain about how fat i am! its consuming me! i cant go on instagram because i just
	 get so upset looking at everyone. i wish i could be thin. i wish i knew what it was like to be thin.
	    i dont want to be the negative person ive been lately. when i first started this diary i was feeling hopeful
	 but its funny how my mental health can just go completely sideways in a few weeks. mabe next week ill feel better...
	 guess we'll see!
	    last night i watched kamikaze girls to feel better, and it did help. ichigo is so cool... i want to ride on the
	 back of a cool girls decked-out scooter too! I hope i can make a connection like that with someone someday. but
	 im so reserved, wahh
	    i wonder if anyone reads this? i probably seem so annoying! i mean its true, but...
	 anyways... another lame entry. oh, i started playing minecraft! just to build stuff. right now im making a little
	 cottage on a lake. next time i write i will include pictures!
	    this week i also need to write a resume. i dont have any formal experience, i hope they take "freelance" illustration
	 because thats all i got! once i get a job i can treat my boyfriend to something nice, and treat my friends too...!
	    soon i also plan to wrap up some penpal packages ive been meaning to send out! one is literally a year and a half
	 overdue and the other just needs a few more items im sewing to put in. i would love to write more, but a lot of my
	 old penpals have become really busy, so we dont exchange much anymore. i love opening my mailbox to find decorated
	 envelopes and packages... its its own special emotion, its hard to describe!
	    lastly, i want to get some fancy stuff for my sewing machine. right now ive got my eyes on a pintuck foot and
	 double needle, but those are pricey so i gotta save up! usually i sew doll clothes and i havent actually made
	 anything for myself yet but i want to! maybe ill take a trip to the fabric store this week, and i'll share
	 anything cute that i find! oh geez, thats a really long entry.. next one will be positive, no matter what, i promise!
 Yours truly, clover

Friday, April 19th, 2019 / pm

Dear Diary,
	    It's only been 10 days since my last update, but it feels like weeks. So much has happened and i'm exhausted. Part of me is
	 full of disappointment, but the other part is full of hope. I'm not ready to write about it though...
	    while I'm super stressed i've been trying to find things to calm me down. Tonights goal is to make a neocities website
	 for my artwork, work on commissions, maybe start a personal painting. it sounds so dramatic but i havent made any real art since
	 december and i cant even explain the toll its taken on my mental health. before i would go months without drawing (because of
	 depression...) but last year i made the effort to draw more, and it was interupted when i started school in january. the difference
	 between not drawing because i have no motivation and im depressed verses i have too much in the way and i cant make the time to
	 is.. weird? i dont have a word to describe it, i just know right now, i need to make art!! but, because im so anxious and 
	 stressed out, i just dont know what to make!!! its frustrating!! maybe its artblock? i want to create when i cant,
	 now that i can im unable to anyways, what the heck! ahh.. anyways...
	 On a cuter and happier note, my animal crossing pocket camp campsite is very cute right now. would you like to see?
	    Anyways... my favourite ball jointed doll company, Doll in Mind, is closing down. I'm so sad! I really hope
	 im able to get marcellina before theyre gone for good. we need 25 people to request her, and so far we have 8, and the deadline is
	 this weekend. so we won't make it, but maybe some mircacle will happen.....! i can hope and dream! i want her so much, shes 
	 so so cute (my plan was to make her a boy though!) my fingers are crossed! i just need one good thing to happen to me man, and i
	 hope her being available is it...
	    ah, im full of negativity ^^; thats just how it is sometimes, though.
 Yours truly, clover

Wednesday, April 10th, 2019 / 11:44 pm

Dear Diary,
	    Already I’m completely swamped with homework, and its only been two days. 
	Turns out I read my schedule wrong (I’m really not sure how) and I had my patternmaking class on Monday, 
	not yesterday, so I ended up missing my first day! Ah well, these things happen, I guess.
	    It also seems that the cherry blossoms will bloom later this month, 
	which works out for me as I need to get some supplies for school this weekend! 
	I wasn’t able to go earlier this week like I had planned. For a personal project I’ll be picking up some 
	eyelet lace and soft ribbon to make a blue gingham collar for my Emily temple cute picnic jsk! 
	(photo in my wardrobe page, I’m too lazy to link it ehehh..) I found a super cute blouse with large eyelet cuffs but no collar, 
	so I'm hoping a separate collar will pull the two together.
	    For one of my classes (trend forecasting, *sigh*) we were put into pairs, 
	I’m still not super familiar with anyone in my class after 3 months (I only have one friend so far ^^; I’m too introverted…) 
	but It wouldn’t matter if I did because I really don’t work well with other people! I would prefer to work by myself. 
	So I’m already really stressed about the silliest things, I thought it would take at least another week before I got this stressed out!
	    I tried drawing a lot today during the lecture, and by try I mean I did, and they were absolutely terrible. 
	After drawing croquis with super simplified faces and slightly exaggerated proportions and not getting time to balance it out with 
	my usual “style”, my drawings look super wonky. I don’t think this term will have much design work, so I’m going to dedicate my 
	spare time to getting back into the swing of things.
	    Anyways school is stressful, art is frustrating, I’m bad at managing schedules and time, all of this is the usual, what else is new? 
	Hm.. I managed to get sick, after being sick for two whole weeks and thinking I was cured, yesterday I woke up from my nap like “oh no!”
	im back to where I started! What the heck! Its icing on the cake. I'll deal.
	    This entry has been pretty negative. So ill end with something nice, um… uh… tonight I’ll take 
	kamikaze girls off of my shelf and into my bag so I’ll remember to read it! I could use 
	Momoko’s energy right now, her passion, her peace with solitude..! well until Ichigo rolls around I guess, 
	but maybe it’ll leave me hopeful.. tomorrow I might wear lolita, I’m thinking my meta jsk with the music notes on it.
	What an old school motif..! I have desk-classes tomorrow (meaning im not in the studio) and its comfy to sit in. So!
	    What a long entry! Hopefully next time I’ll be more cheerful. Happiness is made afterall 
	and I’ve noticed the raincloud in just in time to pull out my umbrella before getting to wet, 
	you know what I mean? Ah, I’m not very poetic. That’s a corny analogy.
 Yours truly, clover

Tuesday, April 9th, 2019 / 12:36 am

Dear diary,

    My first entry... hello! Not exactly sure what I should write about yet, so I'll just start...
I've spent the last few days of my break before the new term starts both trying to get caught up with 
personal work (painting commissions, sewing, etc) and... procrastinating. I can’t help it! It’s just who I am! 
There are so many other things I wanted to do while I’ve got the time as well like playing fatal frame and getting my balcony garden started.
Ill try to get to them while the term is slow!

    Meanwhile, soon the cherry blossoms in my cities park will bloom and I want to make a cute picnic to
see them with my honey. Maybe ill share that and write down any recipes I use/create. Since that’s
something I want to use this site for! Maybe I’ll make a springtime playlist to share as well, 
but that’s a lot of maybes, isn’t it. I’m so excited for spring, I don’t want to wear a wool coat anymore!

    Now that I don’t have to worry about a coat, I really need to wear lolita fashion again. 
I’ve gained a lot of weight so I don’t fit a lot of my pieces anymore which has been a huge blow to my self-esteem, 
but I’m taking extra measures to get back to my normal size. Hopefully within a month I can lose enough to fit into my 
larger pieces and not feel like their too tight. I’ve been eyeing kamikaze girls sitting on my shelf lately too and 
I think I’ll pick it up and read it again!

    Hmm.. what else has been going on with me… oh! I mean I did make this entire website within 4 days! I’m so proud of myself, 
even if its clunky and basic. Next I’m going to make a website for my artwork, like an online portfolio you know? For this website though, 
I have so many more pages I want to make! Next up ill type up my manga collection and then maybe get started on my recipe book. 
I had another really cute idea for a page but I’ve forgotten what it was.. dang it!

    Anyways, its 12 am and I have class at 9. Patternmaking; my weakness! I’m okay to make them, 
but I can’t seem to read them if they’re made by other people. Its so silly and frustrating. 
After that, I’m heading to the sewing supply shop to pick up some shirting fabric for school, and then lace and ribbons for personal projects. 
I hope they have some cute patterns for fabric! They haven’t told us what we’ll be making with them yet.

 Yours truly, clover